When you're a new mom, not much else matters but the new baby. I was very fortunate that I could take four months off from work to stay home with my little bundle of joy. That meant I lived in Pajamas and sweatpants every day. Good thing Yoga pants weren't in yet? My little bundle was an eater. I would breast feed for a whole two hour movie and then he would still want a bottle. The turning point for me in breast feeding was when I spilled the milk I had just pumped all over the counter. I was getting ready to label and freeze it and when I bumped it and over it went. I fell on the counter face down bawling NO NO NO! Talk about crying over spilled milk. I only made it 5 weeks with breast feeding.
My husband made sure that I had everything I needed before he headed off to work for the day. TV remote and food. My favorite snack was peanut M &M’s and since we had a membership to Sam's we bought big bags. I remember sitting in the lazy boy in my animal print pjs with my matching son watching TV. He would eat and I would eat M&M’s. I couldn't help but think that if I ate enough M &M's would my milk taste like it?
The realization that I was getting heavy did not set in until I had to put real clothes to go back to work. I honestly thought that I would be able to walk into my closet and put on my stuff. No problem, right? Wrong! I panicked as I was pulling clothes out trying them on and flinging them on the bed in disgust. Nothing fit, I was beside myself. No one told me that I wouldn't be able to fit in my clothes. What was I going to do, what was I going to wear? I couldn't squeeze into anything. I had to go back to work in a week and I felt like a slob. Was I going to have to wear a bed sheet? My poor husband saw how upset I was and calmed me down and assured me that it was only temporary. He handed me a hundred bucks and said go shopping. He knew better than to go with me as I was an emotional wreck. I said to myself over and over Tom is right it's only temporary so I will buy cheap clothes. I went from size 14 to a size 20 and I weighed about 250. Devastation was setting in. I went to a local cheap clothing store and found some things I could wear, crying through the whole process of nothing but brown and black. It was the worst shopping experience ever. I felt like a middle aged women with no hope. I bet I scared other shoppers as I rummaged through clothes mumbling to myself wiping my eyes.
All my hard work was gone, my body was gone. I was not mentally ready to do anything but feel sorry for myself. I was so angry for letting my body go and for being to stupid not to realize it.
About a year had passed and I was still not able to lose any weight. I was trying to eat the way I did when I was in shape but I was eating food that my little toddler would leave behind and I was cheating. I remember his first birthday I could feel getting myself getting upset as I cut his first ever cake. I knew that would not be able to enjoy a piece of cake of it with my son. We have family for a little party and I passed off the tears as tears of joy. I don't think I was fooling anyone.
I cried easily all the time and I would get down on myself. I hurt every day from my back to knees to ankles. How was I suppose to work out when I hurt so bad. My job was started at 5:30 in the morning and now I had a new baby to care for plus my step son needed a mom. How am I suppose to do what I did in the past? Everything I knew was gone and I couldn't find myself.
I cried easily all the time and I would get down on myself. I hurt every day from my back to knees to ankles. How was I suppose to work out when I hurt so bad. My job was started at 5:30 in the morning and now I had a new baby to care for plus my step son needed a mom. How am I suppose to do what I did in the past? Everything I knew was gone and I couldn't find myself.
From 2004 to 2005 My weight held around 240. It took me a year to lose 6 lb's. Holy hell, what was I going to do? Tom and I joined a local gym just down the street from the house figuring that I would just have to work out harder. We walked in, I put my sleeping baby in his carrier on the desk and Tom bought a membership. For the life of my I tried to workout but my weight just would not budge I was in pain and I was angry. I quit the gym.
In 2007 I saw an ad for a weight-loss place on TV. I thought OK maybe I have an eating problem and they can help me figure out what to do. After forking over money for powdered food that was suppose to be real food. I thought can I do this? I followed their charts, journal my food, I did the weigh in's and I bought what they told me I needed to buy. Nothing was working and I didn't lose any weight, I would have some serious conversations about nutrition and did you know that they don't have to be certified to "give you nutritional advice?" What a joke, I knew more than these people and they did not like to be challenged. I guess if you put on a white coat you can do what ever you want. Oh, by the way, the food tasted like crap. Money wasted again. Next adventure to come. I'm not at my highest weight yet.
